6 minute read
I have coached hundreds of executives through conflict. And while few go to the extreme of legal action, few do, and there is one pattern I see so consistently it almost stops surprising me, almost.
The leader comes to me in the middle of a dispute. There is a threat of legal action, or legal action has already been filed. Their jaw is set. Their eyes are hard. And before I can ask a single question, they tell me: I’m not backing down.
I understand that instinct. I lived in corporate America for more than 25 years. I have felt that particular kind of anger: the one that tells you the only path forward is a fight. But here is what I have learned from that experience and from coaching executives on the other side of it: the instinct to fight your way through a dispute is often the one that costs you the most.
Not because fighting is always wrong. But because most people do not understand what they are actually giving up when they do.
I sat down with Felicia Harris Hoss — 30 years as a trial attorney, now a nationally recognized mediator — and she said something that I have not stopped thinking about:
“If you go to the courthouse, you pass that baton called control to strangers.”
Strangers. That is not a metaphor. Those are actual people, a judge, a jury, who will decide what evidence matters, how to weigh it, and what your outcome is going to be. And when they are done, they go home with little mind on how it has impacted you. It certainly doesn’t impact them.
This is the part of workplace conflict resolution that most executives never think through. They are so focused on winning, on being vindicated, on being right, that they never stop to ask what they are actually trading away to get there.
I also see this in the leaders I coach. And I saw it, honestly, in myself during my corporate years.
There is something deeply seductive about a fight when you believe you are right. It feels principled. It feels like integrity.
But underneath that, if I am being straight with you, it’s usually ego. It’s the part of us that cannot tolerate being seen as weak, wrong, or someone who backs down.
I was won to fight to the end just because my fragile ego was offended. Oh, the sleepless nights I experienced.
Felicia has a different framework for this. She calls it the four Cs of mediation: confidentiality, control, creativity, and certainty. And what struck me about these is that they are not just mediation concepts, they are leadership principles that apply to every high-stakes conversation an executive has.
You don’t need to be in a legal fight to ensure you are focused as a leader on these things.
Confidentiality means the conversation stays in the room. Anything discussed in mediation cannot be used against you if the process does not result in resolution. That is a freedom most leaders have never had in a dispute: the ability to speak candidly about risk, about what they actually want, about what resolution could look like, without those words being used against them.
Control means you stay in the driver’s seat. In mediation, you and the other party craft the resolution. No one imposes it on you. You decide what you are willing to trade, what matters most, and what you need to move forward. This should also be applied in lower risk conflicts you may have with a team member, peer, or manager.
Creativity means resolution does not have to be binary. A judge can award money or issue an injunction — that is the range of options in litigation. In mediation, you can negotiate things a judge cannot order: how someone’s departure from your company is communicated internally, what happens with a non-compete, how two parties manage a shared relationship going forward. The solution space is wider than most executives realize.
Keep in mind, being creative with others on resolving simpler disputes within the business can also result in win-win outcomes.
Certainty, or at least the closest thing to it, means you know the outcome before it happens. Because you evaluated and negotiated it.
And, it’s why there is no need for emotions or ego when wanting to find a successful resolution.
As we discuss a lot in our collective, you cannot control what the others do. You can only control how you show up and how you respond. And how you respond shapes what comes back at you.
Here is what I want you to sit with, especially if you are currently navigating something that feels like it is heading toward legal territory:
What is the actual outcome you need? Not the win, not the vindication – the outcome. What does life look like when this is resolved, and what are you willing to trade to get there?
If you cannot answer those questions cleanly, you are not ready to negotiate anything. Get clear on what matters. Then ask your attorney, and if they do not bring it up, you bring it up. Ask them: what are all of my options, including early mediation?
The executive who resolves conflict efficiently, protects their resources, and keeps their attention on what they are building, that is not someone who gave up. That is someone who led. And there is a world of difference.
If this resonated with you and you are ready to go deeper on the leadership gaps that show up when conflict or pressure, or transition arrives, the Leadership Gap Diagnostic is where that work starts. Take it. It is free and it will tell you something real. DOWNLOAD HERE
Bernadette Boas is an Executive Coach and former Global VP. She hosts Shedding the Corporate Bitch — a podcast for executives, HR leaders, and corporate professionals. New episodes every week at youtube.com/@ShedtheCorpBitchTV and anywhere you get your podcasts.
