Ask Bernadette – finding quality candidates, how to know if ‘he is the one’, and how to quiet mind chatter.

On the first Tuesday of every month, I address your questions, stories and challenges in order to provide you advice, tips and sometimes the tough love you need to move forward.

This weeks questions included:

  • how to find quality and qualified job candidates
  • how to discover if ‘he is the one’
  • how to quiet mind chatter

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You can listen to the full episode here or read on for some highlights –

Questions –

  1. I am an HR leader for a medium size company – we have 210 employees and I am finding it impossible to find quality candidates, and when I do they bounce off to the next opportunity. What are we doing wrong?

The survey, XpertHR’s fourth annual, reports that nearly 30% of respondents named recruiting and hiring as their most critical challenge. Most of all, of those who reported recruiting and hiring needs, 51% are “extremely challenged” in finding high-quality candidates—more than twice the number (22%) from just two years ago.

But to get under the covers of the issue you are having, ask yourself (and your team) :

  • What, within our Recruiting and Acquisition process, is working and NOT working?
  • Are we missing something in the qualifying or interviewing stages?
  • Is our culture resulting in the attrition or bouncing off that we are experiencing or is it something else?

You can have the best processes and programs to hire quality people… but if the culture is not aligned to it, bouncing could be the least of your issues.

What to do?

  • Review your end-to-end Recruiting and Acquisition processes
    • Ensure that it aligns to the culture and the culture aligns to it.
  • Interview current and bounced employees for their input.
  • and more….

LISTEN TO THE ENTIRE EPISODE for all of the tips and advice.


2. I’m in a relatively new relationship (little less than a year), I really care about this guy, love being with him, but am not sure I am in love with him. I don’t want to waste time or string him along. What do I do?

First thing to keep in mind – you can change yourself, you can’t change him. So, be sure you accept your need to learn and discover YOU without him needing to do it.

I love this quote from Jessica Beal about knowing when her husband, Justin Timberlake was the one.

“There wasn’t anything… really putting anything on the line. We were just hanging out,” she shared. “I think before we got married, that’s when I was like, ‘Oh yeah, this is the person I want to be in the boat with when we hit the rapids, because we’re going to hit the rapids and we’re going to have to hold on tight. Can you row? Because I can row, I think you can row, let’s try this.'”

So, is your guy the one you want to have in the boat when you hit the rapids?

Consider some questions for yourself and feel what comes up – then take your answers into the relationship…

  • What do I feel most when I am with him?
  • How do you feel when you are not with him?
  • What is it about him that causes me to feel these things?
  • You miss him terribly and excited about seeing him again
  • Is he/she my best friend, confidant, guide, partner, teacher?
  • If not, why?
  • Am I my true and authentic self when I am with him?

I spent a year and a half with someone and realized I was never myself when I was with him. Why? Listen to the episode.

  • If not, why?

,Now that you are self-aware go into the relationship differently, by…

LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE for all of the tips and advice.


3. I am under so much stress at home and at work, I am constantly anxious, even paranoid. I can’t quiet my mind. Any suggestions.

This is a doozie…and one I work on daily.

I often see quieting my thoughts as Taming of the Shrew… nothing to do with the Shakespearean play, it just sounds appropriate.

First things to keep in mind is…

  • Thoughts are often of about your past – things that have already happened and you are choosing to relive, whether it be hurtful experiences, bad decisions, terrible outcomes, or even happy times, but they are done, over with, and no longing serving you. Work to leave them behind, as difficult as that is.
  • Thoughts are often about the future – your list of to do’s, the difficult conversation you need to have, the money issues you’re dealing with, the demanding boss or team, etc. But realize, as you are tossing and turning in bed, off dealing with a personal matter, on a vacation, etc. you can’t do anything about the worry until you can do something about them. So, ask yourself – can I do something about this right now? If so, do it. If not, put it aside until you can. You are just using up energy that is only causing stress and ill health.
  • Consider the impacts this is having on you –
    • Unable to relax and slow down
    • Negative, stressed out moods and attitude
    • Being unhappy, depressed, anxious
    • It interferes with your behavior, communications, and interactions with others.
    • It deteriorates your health and mindset.

What to do? In the book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, he explains:

“create a gap in the mind stream simply by directing the focus of your attention into the Now…. PAGE 20.

  1. When your thoughts overwhelm you, go quiet and focus on where you are at the exact time and experience it. All of it.
    1. If in bed, then focus on the darkness behind your closed eye lids. Listen to the noises of your bedroom. The ticking of a clock.
  2. Marelisa of Daring to Live Fully says – One way to bring your mind back to the present is by playing the Game of Fives. Pause your train of thought and notice five things in your environment. It can be five things you see, hear, or smell. Then, fully experience the sight, sound, or smell. You can do this by pretending that it’s the first time you’ve ever experienced that sight, sound, or smell, and by adopting a sense of awe.
  3. Meditate – i.e. Deepak and Oprah latest meditation journey on Perfect Health
    2. Also, apps like Calm, Headspace and others

LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE for all of the tips and advice.

The key is to work to be present in the NOW… when thoughts start to invade, focus on exactly where you are and what you are doing.. and they’ll stay away.

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